Once Upon a Time...

Who I Am

Who I Know

Where I've Been

Suicide Baby, I Love You

Miscellaneous Spewage

cscm@toast.net

The following tales are apocryphal; that is, they are not easily verified and may or may not be true. I offer them here in the form of fairy tales.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom called Orland Park, in a land called Illinois, a man and a woman lived together in love and harmony. One day they got into an argument over the purchase of some drapes for their home. The man became so upset that he went into the cozy bedchamber which he and the woman shared, cut a hole in their magic waterbed, stuck his head inside, and drowned himself.

Once upon a time, in the mystical kingdom of Phoenix, a man entered the shop of a pawn broker and asked to look at a ten-inch circular saw.

"Is this by any chance the Enchanted Circular Saw of Flagstaff?" asked the man.

"Oh no," said the honest pawn broker. "I'm afraid it's not enchanted at all. It's quite ordinary."

"May I see how well it works?" asked the man.

"Oh certainly," replied the pawn broker, and he attached the tail of the saw to a hole in the wall.

"Wreeeeeeee!" went the saw. The man's head fell to the floor and bounced.

"Oh dear," said the pawn broker.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived a master barber named Broussais. He believed that sickness was caused not by demons, as was commonly thought at the time, but by bad things in the blood which needed to be let out. To this end he employed a creature called a leech, which was small and black and slimy, and which loved to suck the blood from any other living creature to which it was introduced. Unfortunately, the people of that country were understandably wary of allowing leeches to suck the illnesses from their bodies. They much preferred to trust themselves to the time-honored traditions of their neighborhood priests.

Now Broussais had a student who believed wholeheartedly in his master's new treatment, and who was desperate to prove to the people that it worked. He determined to infect himself with a deadly illness and then demonstrate to the masses how easily he could be cured by the leeches. He chose an illness called syphilis which was known to cause putrid skin lesions. One day, the student appeared before a crowd and, as they watched, infected himself with a bit of syphilitic pus. The people were impressed, and they waited breathlessly to see what would happen. Only a few days later the sickness manifested itself with its characteristic red sores. The student confidently remanded himself to the care of his master, Broussais, and the leech treatment was begun.

The happy leeches sucked and sucked, but the student did not get any better. If anything, he seemed to get worse. Broussais decided the leeches were not sucking enough, and so he opened a few of the student's veins, and allowed the blood to flow out. Still the student got worse. The red sores grew larger and oozed whitish liquid. Painful bumps grew under his arms and between his legs. It was not long before his entire body was slick with percolating pus and not even the leeches would have anything to do with him. The demonstration was a failure, and what was worse, the student knew he was doomed to an insidious and protracted death.

The people laughed derisively and continued their old ways. Of the master barber Broussais the chronicles are silent, but of the student it is noted he took his own life.

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted so much to be dead that he used a mallet to drive a dagger into his skull. Finding himself not dead, and strangely without pain, he yet resolved to see a doctor.

The doctor was much taken aback by the appearance of his patient, who was not bleeding, evinced no pain, and still had the dagger protruding from his head. At first the doctor tried to remove the dagger himself, but like Excalibur in the stone, it refused to budge. Next, he had two strong assistants hold the man on the ground while he tried to extract the knife with a pair of carpenter's pliers, but to no avail. There was nothing for it but to take the man to a coppersmith's, where he was again bound to the ground, this time by metal rings. A chain was fastened to the handle of the dagger with a pincers, and the other end of the chain was wrapped around a cylinder which could be revolved by steam power. The mighty machine gave a huff and a puff and the knife flew free. The man, who still claimed to feel no pain, thanked the doctor and walked by himself to the nearest hospital. His wound soon healed without complications and he returned to his regular routine. He learned his lesson and never again wished to be dead.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who was quite mad. When he saw a drill, he thought it was for making holes in his head, and he used it for such. And when he saw the holes he had made, he thought they were for putting things in. He put pieces of wire, a fourpenny nail, and a needle into the holes, and would have put more if saner minds had not prevailed.

He was under watch day and night and not allowed to handle anything with which he might hurt himself. But inevitably, someone's attention lapsed, and the man mistook a needle full of morphine for something which should be put into his arm.

Once upon a time, there were two friends who, because of declining fortunes, decided it was nigh time to buy the farm, with no money down.

They went to a nearby restaurant, one they knew by reputation as a place of high style and expense. They ordered the best food and drink the establishment had to offer, and then they ordered more. Throughout their meal they laughed and sang and generally distracted the other patrons to no end. The proprietor begrudgingly allowed them their head, anticipating the large amount of cash that would soon be crossing his palm.

Finally, the friends could eat no more and the bill was totaled. When it was presented to them, they took it and examined it solemnly, and then broke into laughter again. The proprietor, who had been watching closely, hurried over to see what was the matter.

"Is there a problem?" he asked anxiously.

"Not for us," replied the older of the two friends. "The victuals were excellent, as were the champagne and cognac; which is all the more unfortunate, as we have determined that this is the last meal we will ever eat. As for the payment, you will, of necessity, need to write it off, for neither of us has a sou to his name."

"Then you'll spend your days in prison!" blustered the proprietor.

"Ho!" replied the man. "I'm afraid we'll spend our days nowhere, my friend, as we've no more days to spare. That cognac I mentioned was laced with poison. We'll be leaving very soon, and not through the door!"

There was nothing for the infuriated proprietor to do but call the gendarmes who, because of certain legal restrictions, were unable to arrest men who happened to be dead.

Once upon a time, in the great land of Poland, there lived a woman with an extraordinary appetite. Because she had lost in love, she developed the habit of swallowing objects not commonly associated with nutrition. Upon her death, her stomach was found to contain 101 pins, twenty nails, nineteen coins, seven window-bolts, four spoons, three knives, three pieces of glass, two sets of rosary beads, a brass crucifix, and a rock.

Once upon another time, in another land, called Canada, there lived a woman with a similar craving. She died after eating fishhooks, open safety pins, four-inch sewing needles, nails, tacks, corkscrews, and broken glass.

Once upon a time, long before there were Twinkies or vibrating recliners or any other good reason for remaining on Earth, a noblewoman in the capital city of France decided to terminate her existence. She managed somehow, without a prescription, to obtain 100 leeches, which she applied to her skin and allowed to feed upon her blood. In this wise, she obtained her own death.

Once upon a time, there was a man who decided to spend a particularly beautiful Paris day at the Jardin du Roi. He looked at elephants, he looked at monkeys. He looked at ostriches, aardvarks, and tigers. And then he looked at the bears.

The bears intrigued him. They looked so rolly polly and friendly, cuddly and gentle. So... inviting. In fact, the biggest bear seemed to be beckoning to him. The man looked to his left and he looked to his right. He was alone. Me? he mouthed, pointing to his chest. Mmm hmm, nodded the bear, as he gnawed on a spit-slimed stick.

Biting his lip, the man slowly climbed over the railing of the bear pit, dropped to the floor, and approached the bear. By the time he heard the rumblings of the animal's stomach, it was too late.

Once upon a time, there was a Frenchman who had been ill treated by his lover. He was so humiliated that life no longer held any attraction for him. Even so, he was bent on revenge.

He made his plans and charged a trusted servant with carrying them out. Then he killed himself.

Several days after his death, his servant appeared at his former mistress' door with a note and a lighted candle.

"You must read this note by the light of this candle," he said and left.

The wicked woman took the note and candle and retreated into her house where she could take her leisure. She placed the candle on a table and spread the note before it. What she read made her recoil in horror:

"My Darling,

As I burned for you in life, so do I now in death. Proof of my passion will be found in the light by which you read this letter- a flame fed by the fat of my detested body!"

Once upon a time, a man went to visit his girlfriend in her high-rise apartment in order to tell her he was leaving her. She was extremely upset by the news and after he had delivered it and left, she decided to kill herself. As she looked around the apartment for some means to obtain her desire, her eyes fell upon an open window. The answer was before her: she would jump. So she jumped. She fell one, two, three stories. And then she fell nine more. And then she fell on her evil ex-boyfriend, just as he exited the building. She squashed him flat. And lived to tell about it.

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