Who I Am

Who I Know

Where I've Been

Suicide Baby, I Love You

Miscellaneous Spewage

cscm@toast.net

Parts of the following interview originally appeared, in somewhat different forms, on a singles site from the summer of 1998 to the summer of 2001. However, I'm stubbornly going to pretend that it appeared in Rolling Stone's Winter double-issue and that the interviewer was John Waters. This will tell you more trivial information about me than you could possibly want to know:

RS: Christopher, thank you so much for traveling all the way down here to Baltimore, at your own expense, on such short notice.

CM: No problem, John, I'm a big fan of yours. Great house, by the way

RS: Thank you.

CM: Hey, can I sit in the electric chair?

RS: Please, be my guest.

CM: Cool! Hmm, it's not particularly comfortable. [He wiggles his butt on the seat] Does it work?

RS: No, it's just decorative.

CM: I think I ought to build myself one of these.

RS: Do you think you'd be more comfortable on the couch?

CM: Nah, I'm fine. Let's get going.

RS: Okay. Christopher, would you please describe the sort of person you might be interested in meeting, either romantically or platonically.

CM: You, John. Now I can die happy.

RS: No, seriously.

CM: Okay. Um, female. Attractive and intelligent, with a warped sense of humor. Uh, adventurous, cute, easy-going, fair, fun, a good listener, happy, honest, independent, kind, music-loving, non-judgmental, non-smoking, not allergic to cats, omnivorous, perky, sarcastic, sexy, sometimes quiet, sometimes talkative, twisted and well-read. She would have her own life and wouldn't try to surgically attach herself to my head. She enjoys roller coasters, horror movies and hiking, as well as playing on the computer and taking bubble baths. I'd consider it a bonus if she wore glasses and had bangs.

RS: You're anal compulsive, aren't you?

CM: [Suspiciously] What makes you say that?

RS: Well, apparently off the top of your head, you just listed several desirable qualities in alphabetical order. That's got to be indicative of some sort of disorder.

CM: Yeah, whatever.

RS: Describe your personality.

CM: Well, I'm quiet and shy, especially in unfamiliar situations. I open up with people I feel comfortable with.

RS: What type are you attracted to?

CM: Didn't I just answer that question?

RS: What's the first thing others notice about you?

CM: At one time I would have said it was my hair -- I've twice grown it down to the small of my back. But I've since acknowledged my age and embraced my progressing baldness. I could never do the comb-over thing like my Dad did in the '70s and early '80s -- the slightest breeze would lift his hair-flap up like a sail.

So much for my dreams of being the fourth Hanson. Maybe I can be the second Moby instead.

Anyway, if people notice me at all, they probably notice that I'm pretty quiet.

Andria, a friend of Christopher's, inexplicably appears.

AB: He's too damn quiet!

CM: Bite me!

Andria inexplicably disappears.

RS: Who was that?

CM: Just a friend. We drove down together.

RS: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

CM: My elbows.

RS: That's two things.

CM: My left elbow.

RS: Do you have any scars or distinguishing marks?

CM: Yeah, I've got a bunch. I have a small scar on my forehead which I believe is from a childhood mishap involving an unstable stool and a workbench. I also have a very small scar on my upper lip from a rambunctious cat. I have surgical scars and needle tracks on my left arm from a year-and-a-half of dialysis, and a couple of puncture scars near my right collar bone from the insertion of a mainline catheter, also for dialysis. I have a three-inch scar on my lower back from when I had my kidney biopsied in '90, and from my 1992 transplant I have a long curving scar that extends from the right side of my abdomen down and across my pubic bone. Even though it's by far the longest scar on my body, it's hardly noticeable. The surgeons did a great job.

I also have a light-colored birthmark on the left side of my forehead that becomes visible when I'm angry, embarrassed or cold. It amuses my friends. "Look, there it is!" they shout.

Oh, and I have a congenital defect: I was born without a right pectoral muscle.

RS: No tattoos? No piercings?

CM: Nope.

RS: What do you think would be the perfect first date and would you pay?

CM: Uh, John?

RS: Yes?

CM: Where are you going with all this?

RS: All what?

CM: All the "dating" questions? What's up with that? I thought this was Rolling Stone, not Teen Beat.

RS: I'm just asking questions that I think will give our readers a good overview of you as a person. I'm sorry if they all sound like "dating" questions. If you'd like, we can end the interview right here.

CM: Okay, okay, don't get your panties in a bunch. What was the question?

RS: What's your perfect first date and would you pay?

CM: Can my girlfriend come?

RS: You have a girlfriend?

CM: Yes, I do. We've been going out since August of 2001.

RS: Well, why didn't you tell me that before?

CM: You didn't ask.

RS: Well, pretend you're single for a minute. What's your perfect first date and would you pay?

CM: Um, it would be very dark and the only sound would be a sort of syncopated pinging. The air would taste slightly of caramelized green peppers. Occasionally, something furry would brush against our sides, too fast to catch, but we wouldn't be frightened. Then fireflies would flash and a chorus of castrated boys would sing. Would I pay? You bet I would!

RS: What perfume gets your attention the quickest?

CM: I prefer the clean scent of freshly-washed skin.

RS: What do you think caused your previous relationship to fail?

CM: Lack of feeling on my part.

RS: How did you meet most of your current friends?

CM: I made most of my friends in college, but that was years ago and they're starting to look a little the worse for wear, so I've been looking for new ones to supplement the ones I have. I've made friends through work, the alt.rhode_island newsgroup, letterboxing, and through my hobby website, Quahog.org. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely replace my college friends, though. I'll keep them around for old time's sake, wrapped in plastic to keep the dust off. And I'd never let small children play with them -- they're just too precious.

RS: If you could choose the ideal friend, what would he or she be like?

CM: The ideal friend appreciates me as I am, enjoys spending time with me, yet knows when to allow me to be by myself. The ideal friend also spontaneously gives me wads of money.

RS: What type of work do you do and are you enjoying it? How long have you been doing it?

CM: I'm a data analyst in the Sales Department of a major New England health plan. I spend most of my time performing network access analyses, generating census tabulation reports and hoping I don't get laid off. As dry as it may sound, I enjoy my work and have been at it over six years.

RS: You work for an HMO?

CM: Yes, it's an HMO, but it's not evil, only misunderstood, like Frankenstein's monster.

RS: What do you do for fun? What's your favorite pastime? Do you have any hobbies? Just what goes on Sundays at your place?

CM: Whoa, slow down, man! One question at a time! It's a toss-up between doing something new and interesting and social or being misanthropic and staying in all day. Reading, researching, listening to music, yard saling, working on the computer, traveling, letterboxing. I've been working since 1999 on the Quahog website, which is sort a of cross between RoadsideAmerica.com and Old Rhode Island Magazine.

Saturdays and Sundays are interchangeable -- they're both for tracking down and capturing fun. Or cleaning. Or updating databases. But if it's sunny out, you gotta get out of the house -- screw the laundry!

I especially like to take short walks of three to seven steps at a time. I find that a few tablespoons of sand in my shoes helps me to pretend I'm at the beach.

RS: Do you believe in God?

CM: Do you?

RS: I asked you first.

CM: I don't believe you did.

RS: Uh, but I did ask you first.

CM: Hey, if that's what you want to believe, if that's what passes for truth in your world, then so be it. Let's just agree to disagree, okay?

RS: Do you worship Satan?

CM: [Laughs]

RS: Seriously, what is your insight into spirituality, and how do you practice this belief?

CM: I just learned I'm a Secular Humanist. Who knew?

RS: How would you characterize your political leanings?

CM: I'm a registered Dem, but I vote for the person who I think will do the best job..

RS: What's your favorite color?

CM: Black.

RS: What comedians, TV shows or movies match your sense of humor?

CM: Kukla, Fran & Ollie.

RS: Could you name some of your favorite Actors?

CM: I don't have any particular favorites

RS: Okay, how about naming a few of your all-time favorite movies?

CM: My all-time favorite movie is The Poseidon Adventure. I also very much appreciate your films, John, although I think you've been slacking of late.

RS: What do you mean?

CM: Oh nothing. I like dark comedies, thrillers, action/adventure, horror... you know, guy stuff.

RS: Do you prefer to watch movies in a theater or on video?

CM: In a theater. Video just doesn't have the same impact. And a drive-in movie is cool, too, but in a different way. My girlfriend and I went to see a double feature at the Rustic last summer, and while the movies weren't that great, the experience of seeing them in a drive-in was a nostalgic blast. I hadn't been to a drive-in since I'd gone with my family as a little kid. My dad used to put a crib mattress in the back seat of the Plymouth so my sister and I could fall asleep after the first feature.

RS: Could you name some of your favorite Singers and Bands? What type of music do you enjoy?

CM: My favorite artists are Steely Dan, Electric Light Orchestra, the Beatles, They Might Be Giants, Eddi Reader and Kim Fox. But I enjoy most kinds of music except for Gangsta Rap and New Country. I have an extensive collections of CDs, LPs, 45s, and cassette tapes. I even have some 78s and a couple of reel to reels.

RS: List some of your favorite lines from movies, poems or songs.

CM: "Every time I eat vegetables it makes me think of you."

RS: The Ramones.

CM: Uh huh.

RS: Another?

CM: "I know who wrote the book of love -- it was an idiot, it was a fool; a slobbering fool with a speech defect and a shaking hand. And he wrote my name next to yours, but it should have been David Byrne or somebody."

Points if you can identify the artist. Collect 100 points and you are automatically enrolled to win a small order of fries, free with purchase of any Maxi-Mega Value Meal.

Chance of winning, 1 in 7,248,543.

Void in Alaska.

RS: I'm afraid don't recognize it.

CM: No fries for you, then. It's Robyn Hitchcock & the Egyptians.

RS: Do you go to concerts or performances?

CM: I don't go often. I find concerts pretty boring, usually. I think the three concerts I've most enjoyed were They Might Be Giants, Electric Light Orchestra and Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper. Mojo put so much energy into his performance that the first few rows of the audience were treated to a constant spray of his sweat, spit and snot. I most recently attended concerts by Kim Fox, "Weird" Al Yankovic, and Pendragon.

RS: Mmm, yummy. What kind of magazines, newspapers or books do you read?

CM: I read the Providence Journal online every day. As far as magazines, the only one I read regularly is CMJ New Music Monthly. I occasionally pick up the Providence Phoenix.

I tend to read several books at once. Within the last several of months I've finished The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler, The Titanic Murders by Max Allan Collins, William Blackstone: Sage of the Wilderness by Louise Lind, The Hindenburg Murders by Max Allan Collins, Pure Drivel by Steve Martin, The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars by Thomas M. Disch, The Dilbert Principle by Scott Adams, Majik Man by Max Allan Collins, Off Soundings by Alexander Boyd Hawes, and The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins.

RS: Any favorite authors?

CM: My favorite author is Stephen King. I tried Clive Barker and he just didn't do it for me. Although Iain Banks is pretty good too. And Reay Tannahill -- I like her anecdotal history texts. Dean Koontz is a satisfactory substitute when there aren't any new King novels available. I also recently discovered Max Allan Collins' historical mysteries. Good stuff.

RS: Which radio stations do you most often listen to? Any favorite DJs?

CM: When I'm not listening to tapes in the car, I'm listening to talk radio on WPRO.

RS: What's printed on your favorite T-shirt?

CM: It's a black T-shirt with white lettering. On the front: "Thou Shalt Worship Me". On the back: a golden bull logo and "False Gods".

RS: What were your favorite toys as a child?

CM: Anything I could take apart.

RS: When you were a child what did you want to be when you grew up?

CM: A gigolo. Unfortunately a hairstyling injury put an end to that dream.

RS: Do you collect anything?

CM: Geez, what don't I collect? I collect many things, but mostly recordings. That's the collection I've had the longest, starting from when I bought my first 45s. Over the years I've also collected stamps, trading cards, seashells, business cards, bottle caps, keys, GI Joes, comic books, magazines, foreign currency and suicide stories. I'm basically a pack rat, but an organized one.

RS: Suicide stories?

CM: Yeah, for awhile I was big into researching funny little stories about people who had offed themselves in strange ways and for bizarre reasons.

RS: Like what?

CM: Well, like the road worker who ran himself over with a steam roller. Or the one about the guy who built a machine to chip bits off his skull because he thought he'd invented an elixir that would revitalize his corpse. Or the heavy metal kid who blew his face off with a shotgun, lived, and sued Judas Priest for telling him to do it. Or the man who jumped into a vat of boiling beer. Or the handyman who cut himself in half with a band saw. Or the artist who landed himself on the Jerry Springer show by crafting, and offering for sale, several suicide machines. Or the spiritualist who killed himself in order to report back from the spirit world. Or the guy who was born with a second face on the back of his head. He killed himself to escape the creepy whisperings of his "devil twin."

RS: Wow. Is it only men who commit weird suicides?

CM: Well, women do, but they don't seem to do it as often. In general, men tend to pick more violent forms of death, and those are the ones that are often the most notable.

RS: What were your first 45s?

CM: "Please Mr. Postman" by the Carpenters, "I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow, "Wildfire" by Michael Murphy and "Convoy" by C.W. McCall.

RS: What were your favorite subjects in school?

CM: Science, Art and English. I wish now that I had had teachers who knew how to teach history. In recent years I've found that subject to be much more fascinating than I ever thought in school.

RS: Other than English, do you speak and languages?

CM: I took French in high school, but I don't remember much of it. Or I didn't think I did until I visited Germany in 1987. Odd how French came back to me then. Too bad it wasn't of much use with the Germans.

RS: Where did you attend High School and College?

CM: I went to high school in Kingston, NY. Then I attended Bard College in Annandale-On-Hudson, NY, where I earned a bachelors in Literature, with a concentration in creative writing.

RS: If you have any pets, what are they and what are their names?

CM: I have two cats, a Russian blue/tiger mix named Mishima and a black furball mutt named Futt. They are named, respectively, for a Japanese novelist who committed hara kiri after failing to overthrow the government, and something I saw written on the back of a truck.

RS: What personal habits of others really irritate you?

CM: Smoking.

Christopher stares pointedly at my cigarette. I take a deep drag and stub it out.

CM: Bad spelling, grammar and punctuation annoy me, although I don't mind run-on sentences or fragments, as you may have guessed. The cyber-expression "LOL" really gets on my nerves.

RS: What is "SEXY"?

CM: Funny you should ask. A friend of mine is learning to play the accordion and last night while we were talking on the phone, she played a little bit for me. It made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. It was actually very pleasing and relaxing, even though she has a way to go before she gets really good. Which just goes to show that you never know what will float your boat.

More traditionally, a kiss delivered with insistant passion is good; a certain kind of heavy-lidded glance; a playful and devilish sense of humor.

RS: Which virtues give you most of your self confidence?

CM: I'm not aware that virtues are a prerequisite for self-confidence.

RS: If you won $115 million in the state lottery, what would you do?

CM: Assume it was a mistake since I never play the lottery.

RS: What's your dream car?

CM: One of those little cars that the Shriners ride in.

RS: Would you wear a fez while driving it?

CM: Always.

RS: If you could pick one super-human power what would you choose?

CM: Mind reading.

RS: Why?

CM: I'm just damn nosy.

RS: What's your favorite season?

CM: Fall.

RS: Why?

CM: I like the quality of the light, the cool temperatures, the sound and smell of the leaves when you walk through them, Halloween, pumpkin pie.

RS: In what part of the Boston area do you live?

CM: I live in the Providence, Rhode Island section of Boston. It's right below the Pawtucket area of Boston.

RS: When were you born?

CM: May 28th, 1966.

RS: So that would make you what, a Cancer?

CM: No, a Gemini, but I don't believe in that crap.

RS: What would you like for your birthday?

CM: Everlasting happiness, with an edge. And a pair of black and white saddle shoes, size 9.

RS: Why with an edge?

CM: Ever read Dante's Paradiso?

RS: Well I started to once, but I couldn't finish it.

CM: Right.

RS: Oh.

CM: Next question.

RS: Where were you born? List some of the places you have lived.

CM: I was born in Poughkeepsie, NY. I grew up in Woodstock, NY, and I moved to Providence, the gleaming renaissance city, in 1989. Parts of it gleam. When the sun hits them just right.

I've been to Canada, Mexico, Germany, Switzerland, France, Belgium, Holland and Japan. But I've never been to me.

RS: Uh, besides yourself, where on earth have you never been to that you would like to visit?

CM: The Madonna Inn in California. Every room is made up in a different cheesy motif.

RS: What would you do there?

CM: Well, I hear the lobby men's room has a urinal that's activated by electric eyes. When you pee into it the whole wall turns into a waterfall. Hours of fun.

RS: What is your ethnic origin or ancestry?

CM: I'm related to every living creature on the planet. Except the ones that immigrated here. Well, maybe them too.

Actually, the people on my dad's side were Brits. My mom's side is harder to pin down. I usually just refer to them as "mountain folk" but my mom recently informed me that her mother is Dutch, and that there is also some French, German, and English on her side as well.

RS: Do you have any siblings?

CM: I have a sister who's about five years older than me. She lives with her own family in Rochester, NY.

RS: Have you ever accomplished anything that got your name on television, radio, in a magazine or newspaper?

CM: I worked on my high school literary magazine and my college newspaper. I wrote a great deal of the content for both, under my own name as well as under pseudonyms.

RS: Do you play any musical instruments?

CM: In fourth grade we had to learn to play a little plastic instrument called a tune-o-phone. Unfortunately I enjoyed orally satisfying myself with small objects back then and I succeeded in getting the button on which I had been sucking stuck in the mouthpiece of the instrument fairly early in our training. I got really good at pretending to play, moving my fingers and taking a breath when everyone else did. Good enough that no-one noticed I wasn't playing during our big recital at the end of the year, which all our parents attended. So the answer is no, I don't play a musical instrument.

RS: Do you belong to any organizations, clubs or teams? Special interests groups?

CM: I did belong to the Appalachian Mountain Club, but I didn't take advantage of nearly as many opportunities through them as I should have. I stopped going after a rather unfortunate and pointless experience with trail maintenance.

I organize a dining group that meets once a month to try new restaurants in the Providence area. That's been going pretty well for more than four years now. I'm also a member of the Rhode Island Historical Society and the American Diner Museum.

RS: What's your favorite kind of food?

CM: Mexican.

RS: Which sports do you enjoy participating in or watching?

CM: I don't watch sports. I fail to see the point. I participate in non-team sports like kayaking, swimming, hiking, canoeing, etc.

RS: What are some of your lifelong goals? Where would you like to be tomorrow? In 2 years? In 5 years?

CM: Tomorrow I would like to be the fourth Hanson, trapped down a well, receiving nationwide media coverage.

In 2 years, narrowly escaping the syphilitic clutches of an evil plastic surgeon who specializes in sex-change operations.

In five years I would like to be tending bar in a medium-sized city of a former Soviet republic, while secretly making a huge profit smuggling translated bibles to the oppressed citizens of that country.

My lifelong goal is to die peacefully in my sleep, or else quickly and painlessly in a spectacular fashion.

RS: What do you have hiding under your bed?

CM: They won't let me tell you.

RS: If you could 'Do Lunch' with anyone, list a few.

CM: Bobby Sands, Karen Carpenter, and Ghandi. My treat.

RS: What happens if you leave sour cream out... does it "go good"?

CM: Unfortunately, if you leave sour cream out it does not "go good." The sad and unpoetic truth is that it initially begins to separate into its constituent parts, later grows various sorts of colored molds, and eventually dries up into a substance not unlike spackling compound. Theoretically.

RS: Creamy or crunchy? Half-full or half-empty? Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Boxers or briefs?

CM: Uh, crunchy half-full mayonnaise briefs.

RS: Any additional comments? Is there anything about you that the interview didn't cover?

CM: I'm not paranoid, so stop looking at me like that.

RS: Very nice. Thank you very much. Would you like some banana bread? It's fresh.

CM: My friend, I would love some banana bread.

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